New baby boy!

Look who showed up this morning! At 9:20 am, Aries had a bright red baby boy by Dualin Boon.

He is strong and appears to be healthy and is kinda cute. She struggled a little for several hours afterwards and is taking her sweet time cleaning up but surely the oxytocin I gave her will move that along soon. If not, I will have the vet up tomorrow--which is kind of funny, since I took Foxy down to Coogan's to see Dr Miles three days in a row, and now he will have to come here anyway.

That leads to an explanation of why my truck and trailer are stuck in the yard, but I do not want to think about the mud right now.

How different is it?

Looking from the outside, it would seem like my world is not that different than it was just three weeks ago. Three weeks ago today, I visited Barry in his hotel where he was working, We watched the NCAA tournament at one of our old favorite bars from law school, and watched more of it snuggled up in the bed in his hotel. It was swell. Just like it always is.

48 hours later, this nightmare started when he walked out.

It is so hard to wrap my mind around how fast things can change. And then again, wrap it around things that have NOT changed.

I still do all the same things I always did. I go to work. I go to the gym. I go to the farm to take care of the horses. I come home, where I sit alone, with the dogs. But that is nothing new, because he was always gone working anyway. I get texts from people checking on me, and the phone rings off the hook, which is new.

Last nite, I went to an open house party for my sister and her kids. I was nervous and not sure that I could get through it without getting upset. People are nice to me, and it makes me sad. These people have been in my life all of my life as my parents' friends, but as an adult, they became our friends too. This was the first real event where I would see them all, so the first time I would have to face them. Alone. That is different, and would not have bothered me in the least had he not been here just because he was working somewhere else.

But I handled it. I even had fun. I tried to avoid thinking about all this, but it was kind of impossible, and everyone was very comforting. I only cried a little bit, but no one cared. That was good. And I feel like I got something out of the way. The party ended up carrying on late with Liza and Kyle, Emily, Amie and Mandy. I actually had fun. Lots of it. It was good. It probably would have been more fun with him, but it is not like I cannot enjoy myself without him. I have always known that

Today, I have been very lazy and tried to catch up on sleep but it has been a bust. The storms have continued since yesterday so there was nothing I could do outside anyway. I had one brief stabbing pain when I saw a picture of Barry posted on Facebook, but I guess I better get used to that. It is not like he is totally gone from my life--he checked in on me to see if I had storm damage this morning, so we texted some. I wish that was not so comforting to me, but it really is.

I guess the only thing that is really that different is my feeling so empty. I have always been so content with my life, even when things were not easy like when he worked far away from home and I never saw him. I KNEW he was there though, and now he is not. Well he is, but not as the basis of everything in my life. And that feels so weird. I have to reconcile how blind I was to this whole thing with my idea of who I am, and what I want.

And I do not really even know where to start

An overlooked but nice thing

In the ultimate indicator that life goes on, even when we think it cannot, Cash had a baby girl last Wednesday nite. No signs of course, and one of the few nights I was not on patrol doing all the other crazy stuff the last few weeks have required, Cash plopped her out in the front pasture with her lady friends all around.

I did my morning check by driving by and when I saw the gaggle of hosses standing in the corner of the opposite pasture, just staring, I knew what must have happened. Sure enough, there she was!

She is a pretty little girl, isn't she? Way flashier than I expected, since both of her parents are lacking in chrome--but she sure is not.

If I were finding much pleasure in anything right now, I am sure I would be thrilled with her. I did enjoy taking pics of her turnout in the front yard tonight. We have been suffering through horrid storms off and on since her birth, and tonight is the only clear spot in the forecast, so she had some play time around 7 pm. I don't want her out in the nasty mud, so she did her playing in the front yard.

I have no idea what to call her, but I am hoping for a call name that has something to do with money, since both parents have the word Cash in their names. And no, Penny is not it. I just do not know what it IS, yet.

There are more pics on our Farm Page on Facebook

This part is hard too

I can go from fine to a puddle of hysterics in a second. I really hate that. I feel like I have no control over my emotions at all. I absolutely hate that.

If someone is nice to me, I fall apart. If someone is shitty, I fall apart. Today, someone threatened me and has the means to carry it out, and that is about the only thing that made me mad instead of sad. Maybe I need more of that.

Tonight, Mandy helped me pack up stuff in Barry's closet. He left a lot of his stuff here--thousands of dollars of clothes, shoes, etc. Lots still with tags on it, and some I know were his favorites. He said he took what he wanted, and to do whatever I wanted to with the leftovers. What I want is for him to come live here and use it all, but I guess I do not get that option. So we packed away a lot of things I am sure he will wish he had later like his padded butt shorts for biking, and special biking socks and stuff like that, and made a bunch of bags of things to give away. I kept some things that I love, like some old favorite shirts that we both wore. I am sure there will be a day when I do not want to look at those things, and will move them on, but for now, I still want them.

Then we put up the ever present laundry and put some of my things in his closet. He had the master bedroom closet to himself with all the fancy organizer stuff in it, while my stuff was always in guest room closets with no lights in them. I never thought that much of it before, but now I realize how crazy that was since he did not even live here most of the time. He just had so many clothes and he wanted it that way. That is another prime example of how things may have looked one way outside of this house, but were another way inside of it, that most people would never have realized.

Then I spent a long time on the phone with a guy friend who is sure that Barry has been cheating on me for years, and it is my fault for being such a bitch who takes care of business. I do not think he has been cheating on me, but maybe he has. I do not think he is that kind of person. I am not sure it really matters.

I know I am a handful. My friend called me a mastiff. That is probably pretty close to accurate. I do not want to be, I just feel like I have had to be. It has pissed me off for a long time that just because I CAN take care of myself, I should not HAVE to all the time. I should never have to wonder if he would defend me or stand up for me should the situation arise. I don't know how come being strong, independent and capable turned into a bad thing--and how come, if you are those things, you cannot also have someone who loves you and wants to help you be all of that?

So that was a disturbing conversation. I know he said a lot of things I did not want to hear, but needed to--but nothing that has not been running through my head anyway.

One thing that bothered me, I have heard for the second time now. Did I give up too easy? Was I supposed to beg and plead for him to love me? To stay? To let me fix it? To guilt him into changing his mind? Am I supposed to track him down, and proposition him, and would it matter if I did?

I am trying so hard to get through this. I know the things I did wrong in this relationship. I know the things he did wrong. My friend seemed to think I do not value my marriage if I do not go down fighting and kicking and screaming like a banshee. I think what I am doing is trying to respect Barry's decision. It is killing me, but I really feel like this is so far gone that there was no point. That I did not get let in on the secret until after the body was decomposing in the ground seemed to be a calculated move so that I could NOT change his mind. I do not think I could stand to do the post-mortem again and to resort to my old ways of getting my way at any cost would destroy any chance Barry and I have of salvaging a friendship out of this. I guess I am hedging my bets.

And that is another thing--something I do not think people understand about me--it was never about getting my way at all costs, because quite often I did not know where I ended and Barry started, so never was a decision made in my life without consideration of where he stood on the issue. I think he never really understood that, no matter how many times I tried to explain that. Just because I did not do something his way did not mean that I did not consider it. And quite often, he would not give me an opinion to work with so I had to work it out for myself. I think maybe I guessed wrong on a lot of things, huh?

I have not let my mind even entertain the thought that I could change his mind. I do not think I could live like that, waiting for the other shoe to drop, not being able to trust what I see or feel....it sounds like a special kind of hell. I don't think I am giving up, I think I am just accepting his decision because I do not have any choice.

I am mixed up. Its hard not being able to talk all this through with him, but I am trying to let him have what he wants, and that is to be away from me. That leaves me to sort it all out in my mind by myself. I do not want to talk bad about him, that seems unfair, especially as I worry what he is telling people about what happened. I want to be as respectful as possible of him. I know he is struggling with this too--obviously not like I am, but he says it is not easy for him either.

This better get easier.

Hardest Post I have ever written

But I cannot put it off any longer, since it was in the paper anyway. It has not been a secret, I just have been unwilling to put it here in public because that made it real. And I I did not want it to be real.

Barry left me. He is not in love with me, and that is something I cannot fix. Two weeks ago tonight, we were at dinner with friends having a great time. Twenty hours later, he advised me via unconventional methods that he had packed his things and was gone, and wanted a divorce.

We have been together for 19 years, and married almost 17. Our marriage has been unlike most others, partly because he has spent so many years working on the road, among other reasons, but one thing I thought was beyond question was that we loved each other. We have been best friends for so long, I thought we were the luckiest people in the world to have that, especially when I heard so many of my friends tell me they did not have that with their husbands. He is always the first person I want to tell something, or spend time with, or plan with.

So I feel like I have been shot, and like the air is leaking out of my lungs. I can go a while and be fine, and then it hits me so hard, I get dizzy.

Its the little things that hurt surprisingly much. I have heard nothing from anyone related to him, which is really sad to me because even though I know they do not really care about me, I have been a part of their family for 19 years. I was there when his dad died, and his brother married and divorced twice, and his daughter died, and when his mom got her nursing degree, and all the things that come with being in a family. And evidently, all of that is for naught because you would think there would be some feeling for me, even if it is good riddance. That is sad to me.

It is not like Barry and I are fighting. We are not. We are getting along really well, for people who are going through this. I think he is surprised I am not screaming and throwing things--actually he said he did not expect me to throw things, but he would not have been surprised had I set something on fire. Frankly, I am surprised I am not screaming. I just am heartbroken. I love him and want him to be happy.

I want me to be happy too. I cannot imagine how I can do that --I cannot see that from here. But I know that I am not the first person to go through this, and I am going to live through it. I do not have any choice, now do I?

There have been some huge changes in the last two weeks as a result of this development. I need to be able to talk about them, so I probably will in the future. I will try not to be a downer though.

stay tuned

I know I have been done, and I have lots to talk about--but I cant.

Not yet.

Just please pray for me. I'm more damaged than I have ever even imagined I could be.

I will be back when I can handle it

More Rosemarie

Of all things, evidently Rosemarie is upset that the world is disgusted with her about the starving of her animals. She called Carrie ranting and raving about how she is being talked about, and how Carrie should make her friends stop it. Carrie had no idea what she is talking about, as I certainly have not contacted her and have no intention of doing any such thing. So Carrie has nothing to do with whatever grief Rosemarie is being given by anyone.

In the conversation, she admitted that Molson did in fact starve to death.

Umm...I'm confused. You starved the animal to death, but people who think you suck as a result are out of line? I think not. That is a hell of a code of behavior she lives by.

She blamed it on her father -in-law-and said it happened in the course of a month. Molson was fine, then she went to Cuba for two weeks then returned and it was Christmas time, and she has kids, etc......all good reasons for starving your animal to death, huh? I feed my horses all through the month of December, how bout you?

What a piece of work. One good thing can come of this--there is never any reason to ever have anything to do with this person ever again. I can do my little part by saying my piece right here, so that anyone who bothers to google her before selling a horse can see that she admitted that her horse died of starvation but still does not take responsibility for her role in it, and figure that into a decision about whether to do business with her.

That is my public service for the week