Sunday, April 17, 2011

Hardest Post I have ever written

But I cannot put it off any longer, since it was in the paper anyway. It has not been a secret, I just have been unwilling to put it here in public because that made it real. And I I did not want it to be real.

Barry left me. He is not in love with me, and that is something I cannot fix. Two weeks ago tonight, we were at dinner with friends having a great time. Twenty hours later, he advised me via unconventional methods that he had packed his things and was gone, and wanted a divorce.

We have been together for 19 years, and married almost 17. Our marriage has been unlike most others, partly because he has spent so many years working on the road, among other reasons, but one thing I thought was beyond question was that we loved each other. We have been best friends for so long, I thought we were the luckiest people in the world to have that, especially when I heard so many of my friends tell me they did not have that with their husbands. He is always the first person I want to tell something, or spend time with, or plan with.

So I feel like I have been shot, and like the air is leaking out of my lungs. I can go a while and be fine, and then it hits me so hard, I get dizzy.

Its the little things that hurt surprisingly much. I have heard nothing from anyone related to him, which is really sad to me because even though I know they do not really care about me, I have been a part of their family for 19 years. I was there when his dad died, and his brother married and divorced twice, and his daughter died, and when his mom got her nursing degree, and all the things that come with being in a family. And evidently, all of that is for naught because you would think there would be some feeling for me, even if it is good riddance. That is sad to me.

It is not like Barry and I are fighting. We are not. We are getting along really well, for people who are going through this. I think he is surprised I am not screaming and throwing things--actually he said he did not expect me to throw things, but he would not have been surprised had I set something on fire. Frankly, I am surprised I am not screaming. I just am heartbroken. I love him and want him to be happy.

I want me to be happy too. I cannot imagine how I can do that --I cannot see that from here. But I know that I am not the first person to go through this, and I am going to live through it. I do not have any choice, now do I?

There have been some huge changes in the last two weeks as a result of this development. I need to be able to talk about them, so I probably will in the future. I will try not to be a downer though.


Heather said...

Oh Paige, I'm so, so sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom I can offer, just that I'm sorry and a ((hug)).

duffylou said...

I wish they made a little pill, they don't, or sold a magic wand that could make all your problems better.

This sucks in the worst way ever. Be strong. And safe. And cuddle with all your animals. They are the best soother of souls.

Amanda said...

that was a very brave post. and i love you very much. and you WILL be ok because you are the strongest person on this planet. even if you don't know how to be normal again, you will be. and we will be here to help you any way you need us to be.

love you, aa

Funder said...

I'm so sorry, Paige. :( You're fantastic, and you'll live through this and become even stronger.

Queen-Size funny bone said...

The numbness will wear off and then you will let it all go in order to move on. I guess after awhile people get too comfortable with each other and then think there is something else to experience. I have been with my husband for 34 years and things just get stale. I hope youu can keep a friendly manor going on between you. take care

Carrie said...

I agree with Amanda. You are one of the strongest people I know. You always let everyone know exactly where they stand - so I can see where Barry is coming from about the fire. LOL

While this may get you down (way down at times) I know you will rebound and be even stronger (if that is at all possible). You already know how to stand on your own two feet...and you do it so well that some of us forget that you are human.

We are here for you in any capacity you need - whether it is to vent about what happened...worry about your Charlie cat being gone making babies...or what color to paint the "death room"...all you have to do is ask.


mommymae said...

cuss balls. I've got little else to add to what Mandy said. hugs & kisses, sister.

Erika said...

Your a brave woman! to do this write up and keep sane during it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for things to go easy for you and the broken heart to mend quickly.

Liza said...

I'm sorry Paige. You can't see it from where you are, but there are good times ahead. But you have to go through the pain to get there.

Jennifer said...

Aww hon, I'm so sorry. *hugs*

hooves said...

I haven't cried about your situation until now!! We lost a friend also, but it is his loss! Remember, you are like a sister to us and we are here for you. hooves

Holly said...

We have already talked and you know there are a bunch of us who have your back.

As Amanda said, you are an amazing woman...strong, smart, determined. You will come out of this whole again.

Anonymous said...

After my husband left, four tiles suddenly fell off the bathroom wall. It was as if I was being told "EVERYTHING is falling apart. What will you do now???"

I cried. I shook. I viewed myself as a failure.....

Then I remembered that I know how to tile. I grabbed the caulking and went to work and replaced those four tiles and walked away....

I could do it. I could do it.

It wasn't EVER easy. But I could do it.

Tell yourself that with every step you take.

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