Hardest Post I have ever written

But I cannot put it off any longer, since it was in the paper anyway. It has not been a secret, I just have been unwilling to put it here in public because that made it real. And I I did not want it to be real.

Barry left me. He is not in love with me, and that is something I cannot fix. Two weeks ago tonight, we were at dinner with friends having a great time. Twenty hours later, he advised me via unconventional methods that he had packed his things and was gone, and wanted a divorce.

We have been together for 19 years, and married almost 17. Our marriage has been unlike most others, partly because he has spent so many years working on the road, among other reasons, but one thing I thought was beyond question was that we loved each other. We have been best friends for so long, I thought we were the luckiest people in the world to have that, especially when I heard so many of my friends tell me they did not have that with their husbands. He is always the first person I want to tell something, or spend time with, or plan with.

So I feel like I have been shot, and like the air is leaking out of my lungs. I can go a while and be fine, and then it hits me so hard, I get dizzy.

Its the little things that hurt surprisingly much. I have heard nothing from anyone related to him, which is really sad to me because even though I know they do not really care about me, I have been a part of their family for 19 years. I was there when his dad died, and his brother married and divorced twice, and his daughter died, and when his mom got her nursing degree, and all the things that come with being in a family. And evidently, all of that is for naught because you would think there would be some feeling for me, even if it is good riddance. That is sad to me.

It is not like Barry and I are fighting. We are not. We are getting along really well, for people who are going through this. I think he is surprised I am not screaming and throwing things--actually he said he did not expect me to throw things, but he would not have been surprised had I set something on fire. Frankly, I am surprised I am not screaming. I just am heartbroken. I love him and want him to be happy.

I want me to be happy too. I cannot imagine how I can do that --I cannot see that from here. But I know that I am not the first person to go through this, and I am going to live through it. I do not have any choice, now do I?

There have been some huge changes in the last two weeks as a result of this development. I need to be able to talk about them, so I probably will in the future. I will try not to be a downer though.