Tuesday, April 19, 2011

This part is hard too

I can go from fine to a puddle of hysterics in a second. I really hate that. I feel like I have no control over my emotions at all. I absolutely hate that.


If someone is nice to me, I fall apart. If someone is shitty, I fall apart. Today, someone threatened me and has the means to carry it out, and that is about the only thing that made me mad instead of sad. Maybe I need more of that.

Tonight, Mandy helped me pack up stuff in Barry's closet. He left a lot of his stuff here--thousands of dollars of clothes, shoes, etc. Lots still with tags on it, and some I know were his favorites. He said he took what he wanted, and to do whatever I wanted to with the leftovers. What I want is for him to come live here and use it all, but I guess I do not get that option. So we packed away a lot of things I am sure he will wish he had later like his padded butt shorts for biking, and special biking socks and stuff like that, and made a bunch of bags of things to give away. I kept some things that I love, like some old favorite shirts that we both wore. I am sure there will be a day when I do not want to look at those things, and will move them on, but for now, I still want them.

Then we put up the ever present laundry and put some of my things in his closet. He had the master bedroom closet to himself with all the fancy organizer stuff in it, while my stuff was always in guest room closets with no lights in them. I never thought that much of it before, but now I realize how crazy that was since he did not even live here most of the time. He just had so many clothes and he wanted it that way. That is another prime example of how things may have looked one way outside of this house, but were another way inside of it, that most people would never have realized.

Then I spent a long time on the phone with a guy friend who is sure that Barry has been cheating on me for years, and it is my fault for being such a bitch who takes care of business. I do not think he has been cheating on me, but maybe he has. I do not think he is that kind of person. I am not sure it really matters.

I know I am a handful. My friend called me a mastiff. That is probably pretty close to accurate. I do not want to be, I just feel like I have had to be. It has pissed me off for a long time that just because I CAN take care of myself, I should not HAVE to all the time. I should never have to wonder if he would defend me or stand up for me should the situation arise. I don't know how come being strong, independent and capable turned into a bad thing--and how come, if you are those things, you cannot also have someone who loves you and wants to help you be all of that?

So that was a disturbing conversation. I know he said a lot of things I did not want to hear, but needed to--but nothing that has not been running through my head anyway.

One thing that bothered me, I have heard for the second time now. Did I give up too easy? Was I supposed to beg and plead for him to love me? To stay? To let me fix it? To guilt him into changing his mind? Am I supposed to track him down, and proposition him, and would it matter if I did?

I am trying so hard to get through this. I know the things I did wrong in this relationship. I know the things he did wrong. My friend seemed to think I do not value my marriage if I do not go down fighting and kicking and screaming like a banshee. I think what I am doing is trying to respect Barry's decision. It is killing me, but I really feel like this is so far gone that there was no point. That I did not get let in on the secret until after the body was decomposing in the ground seemed to be a calculated move so that I could NOT change his mind. I do not think I could stand to do the post-mortem again and to resort to my old ways of getting my way at any cost would destroy any chance Barry and I have of salvaging a friendship out of this. I guess I am hedging my bets.

And that is another thing--something I do not think people understand about me--it was never about getting my way at all costs, because quite often I did not know where I ended and Barry started, so never was a decision made in my life without consideration of where he stood on the issue. I think he never really understood that, no matter how many times I tried to explain that. Just because I did not do something his way did not mean that I did not consider it. And quite often, he would not give me an opinion to work with so I had to work it out for myself. I think maybe I guessed wrong on a lot of things, huh?

I have not let my mind even entertain the thought that I could change his mind. I do not think I could live like that, waiting for the other shoe to drop, not being able to trust what I see or feel....it sounds like a special kind of hell. I don't think I am giving up, I think I am just accepting his decision because I do not have any choice.

I am mixed up. Its hard not being able to talk all this through with him, but I am trying to let him have what he wants, and that is to be away from me. That leaves me to sort it all out in my mind by myself. I do not want to talk bad about him, that seems unfair, especially as I worry what he is telling people about what happened. I want to be as respectful as possible of him. I know he is struggling with this too--obviously not like I am, but he says it is not easy for him either.

This better get easier.

16 comments:

Cara said...

Paige - This is never easy, and I hope you are not beating yourself up about not being able to control your emotions - this is all part of it. I have been there myself, and it took a two by four slapped between my eyes for me to wake up to see that the man I had been with since I hit adolescence was not a person I really ever knew.

I will say is that you have always presented yourself as a strong and GOOD person. While everyone makes mistakes in relationships, that doesn't make you responsible for owning the fact that your marriage has ended. I am, as well as I know many others are, thinking of you, pulling for you and praying for you. Take care of yourself and please know that all of us are rallying around you.

Fantastyk Voyager said...

I am so sorry!
Three years ago, when my husband was dying of cancer, my brother's wife left him, after 26 years of marriage. He probably hurt worse than me because although my husband was going to leave me, it wasn't by his choice. We still loved each other. She, on the other hand, told my brother that she didn't love him and couldn't stand being married. How and why does that happen?
((Hugs)) to you. Be brave- he's not worth it.

Anonymous said...

Two expressions come to my mind with you as my focal point.

First: no matter what you think you should have done--or NOW should do----"you can only lead a horse to the trough but you can't make him drink". Convincing or persauding someone to do something won't always work when someone has made up their mind about a decision.

Second: S-----t happens and not always is there a 'fault" .

You have a supportative family and a whole bunch of friends who are praying, wishing, hoping and helping.

Stay strong, you are a good person and things do happen in life.
Carol

Erika said...

Paige,
your a brave woman and i admire you able to write about this, i think you are doing right. When sh^& happens we all go through the wth just happen? then the falling part (who hasn't?) anger and then we just move on. I believe it will get easier in time, talking to friends help and going out with a good friend or 2 once a week or more is good meds to help you heal!

duffylou said...

You've gotten pretty good advice. Exactly what I was going to say. You can't convince someone who has made up their mind, to change it.
Not to be inconsiderate, but it was a decision he probably made awhile ago.
You can't fight for something that is not in your control.

I used to have your personality. Strong willed, outspoken, independent. I let a man change that. Now I am a shell of what I used to be. Do not give in to your principles. Stand up for yourself and be strong. Do not let anything or anyone change what or who you believe in. We are all pulling for you.

BrownEyed Cowgirls said...

Oh Paige...I am so sorry to hear this is the bad news. So VERY sorry!!!!

Sorry-just off a 1600 mile motorcycle ride...my brain has no other words. I just think it is incredibly sad and particularly devastating that is seems to have come so abruptly and seemingly without provocation.

mommymae said...

it will get easier, my dear. i just know it. it may not feel like it ever will now, but remember that this is fresh. it WILL get better. hell, you'll be more fabulous than ever.

Anonymous said...

It will be an emotional roller coaster for you, that is a given. I believe you are doing the right thing by not being a "puppy dog" and trying to beg him back....that never works as it usually only creates further distance. In many aspects, it will probably be easier for you than a lot of others out there in similar circumstances. I say that because you guys were apart much of the time anyway, you have a good job, do extra-curricular activities you love and partake in (horses), and a supporting cast. There are many woman out there who had depended on their husbands for financial security and company EVERY night. Now they have to pick up from scratch including getting a career without an education, etc. Trust me, the women in these types of situations would love to be in your shoes. So remember that no matter how bad you think you have it, there are many out there who would love to be in your shoes and only have your problems. Your worst day would be the best day they've ever had. Like I said, it will be a roller coaster but it does get better....I've been through it a couple of times so I know. Never forget that a person's character is best gauged during times of adversity. Take care.

Funder said...

Hey Paige, I don't know if this will help or not, but maybe it will so I'll tell you anyway.

I got divorced in 2001, from a guy I'd been married to for 2 years and dating for 2-3 more. So it wasn't a long-term relationship, not like yours, but it was long enough. The thing is, I was the one who fell out of love and told him I wanted out. I did not know the relationship was dead until it was. I didn't hide anything from him - I just snapped, on the inside, laying in bed one night, and I was gone within a week.

My point is that maybe Barry didn't hide and plot and calculate. Maybe it just all changed for him, all at once. I know there was nothing D could've done to get me back once I turned that corner in my head.

So maybe he's a conniving asshole, but maybe something just changed inside him. I hope that helps a little.

The Wife said...

Paige, I have no great words that will help ease the pain. I do know you will get thru this. You have so many friends standing next to you offering love and support. Know we are here for you if only in written words. ((hugs))

Shelley said...

Paige,

There is no right or wrong way to get through this difficult journey you find yourself on.

I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball.

Hugs to you from the forest.
Shelley

*Sarah* said...

Holy SHIT Paige!!!!!!!!! :( :( :( :( I can't imagine the pain you are going through. For the past two weeks I felt like my world was crumbling because I thought I might (and for a while was pretty certain I would) lose Trent who I have based my whole life around, plan to marry, and feel married to and closer to than anyone else. Add 18+ years of togetherness on top of that and I really can't imagine it. I'm so so so so so so sorry. This is total bullshit that you don't deserve. I think you're amazing for respecting his decision because you love him and want him to do what makes him happy. Even though it hurts so much. I'm not sure I could do that. You're awesome. Fuck it, you'll still be awesome when it's all over.

Holly said...

You cannot force Barry to be where he does not want to be Paige. It does not work that way, anyone who would think that you should fight to have him stay is not understanding what the fallout would be. THAT would be bitter.
To try to force him or cajole him into being there would be something fake or not whole. I stand by you that you need to leave him go, but keep the door for friendship open.
I am certain, beyond doubt, that you considered him in all decisions. If he feels left out of them, then it is his responsibility to speak up.....and that should have been done long before this point. The fact that you believe he is struggling with this is far more generous than I would be able to muster up.

My heart breaks for you.

Venom said...

Paige - you're being one hell of a lot more understanding and respectful than I could ever be.
And a LOT of women would consider turning the thugs loose on their soon to be ex...
You're a class act Sister.

MicBel QH said...

I agree with Holly.

Hang in there, things will get better.

Amanda said...

Class act... well said. I'm so very proud of you for every single thing that you've done and said since this happened.

And make no apologies for your strength... it was hard won in the first place and it is ALL YOURS!

love you, aa

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