It is amazing to me how much better I am feeling since I changed jobs. I no longer feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown or panic attack at every turn...and I guess it is like getting fat. You know it is happening but because it gets worse and worse gradually you do not realize how bad it is until you stop it. I am so glad I have made this change.
It is not the only one I have made lately either. I have also eliminated some toxic influences on my life. It has been really hard, and heartbreaking to walk away from someone who I really love, but ultimately, I did not have any choice. Like getting fat, or falling into a depression, you do not always recognize when something has gone from amazing to damaging. It does not happen overnight. One minute things are great, then they are bad, but before you realize that this is not okay, there are improvements. Before you know what has happened, you are holding your breath waiting for the explosion that you know is just around the corner. And starting to believe some of the horrible things you are hearing.
It is hard for me to let go of people. Everyone I have ever had to cut out of my life to protect myself left a hole in me--I still miss them. But I know I did it for a reason and taking it back would lead to more hurt. I can't do it. Completely walking away is like throwing away all the time and emotional investment and that is devastating to me, but sometimes, that is the only way to handle it (especially when I do not get a vote about it).
I am hoping, like the job change, that this will be good. I do feel relief, but also great sadness. Surely though, soon, I will have that same feeling that I should have done this all some time ago--just like the job. After all, I am surrounded by amazing friends and family that take good care of me and always hold me up by letting me know how much I matter and am worth to them, and have a great guy who is the perfect balance to my highstrung nature, and is in no way threatened by me. How much more can one person want out of life?
It is not the only one I have made lately either. I have also eliminated some toxic influences on my life. It has been really hard, and heartbreaking to walk away from someone who I really love, but ultimately, I did not have any choice. Like getting fat, or falling into a depression, you do not always recognize when something has gone from amazing to damaging. It does not happen overnight. One minute things are great, then they are bad, but before you realize that this is not okay, there are improvements. Before you know what has happened, you are holding your breath waiting for the explosion that you know is just around the corner. And starting to believe some of the horrible things you are hearing.
It is hard for me to let go of people. Everyone I have ever had to cut out of my life to protect myself left a hole in me--I still miss them. But I know I did it for a reason and taking it back would lead to more hurt. I can't do it. Completely walking away is like throwing away all the time and emotional investment and that is devastating to me, but sometimes, that is the only way to handle it (especially when I do not get a vote about it).
I am hoping, like the job change, that this will be good. I do feel relief, but also great sadness. Surely though, soon, I will have that same feeling that I should have done this all some time ago--just like the job. After all, I am surrounded by amazing friends and family that take good care of me and always hold me up by letting me know how much I matter and am worth to them, and have a great guy who is the perfect balance to my highstrung nature, and is in no way threatened by me. How much more can one person want out of life?
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2 comments:
Ummm Paige, so secretive. I feel the need for more specifics...
Have you had some problems with your ex of late that is leading you to cut him off completely?
If so, it couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.
Not that ex...I have not even talked to him in months. And frankly, I do not really care. It does not even bother me that he only talks to me when he wants something. Amazing how time heals all wounds.
My most recent ex has been the cause of way too much stress and pain. As much as I hated how things turned out and miss the good stuff, I am much happier without the roller coaster I was on with him.
Now I am remembering what a relationship is supposed to be like- its not about control, guilt, manipulation or resentment. I am having a good time with someone who I have so much in common with, and can relax with and just enjoying hanging out with. That is how it is supposed to be right?
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