From every angle

You know what I have been thinking about lately?  This is probably in response to the FB month of thankful things being posted, but I was thinking it before this.

There is a lot of crap going on in my world. There always is, but sometimes it is more than usual. My Gran Gran had a heart attack last week.  My friend Hopie--who is someone I always admired in so many ways--died on Thursday. It is evaluation time at work, and God knows that is enough to bring on major stress for me. This is the time of year when I start getting a little bit strapped financially--and of course, it is also when those $400 a month heating bills become common. I am an emotional and physical wreck trying to recover from these surgeries, and I get so frustrated with it.  The election has truly driven me to drink and thank sweet Jesus, it will all be over soon--but then I will have to deal with the ripples as it impacts me professionally and personally. I feel like things are falling apart around me.

I know people are getting tired of my obsession with these dumb surgeries.  I hate people who get themselves in a bind and then whine about it and that is just what I have done. I can totally understand that when I am not able to be myself--socializing, and running to and fro to help out people where needed--that I fall off their radar. This has gone on so long, no one can keep up with the non-stop nature of the changes around here (except Julie, and a couple of others who know who they are). I understand it but it still hurts my feelings. I have been on the other end of it myself (but bet I won't do that again!) I am not taking care of myself by being still like I should because I feel compelled to make myself useful to people or at the very least not be a burden to anyone.

While the regular players in my world have been busy with their own lives (some with far greater drama than I have going on, so I totally understand), I have been run over with good wishes and support from the last places I ever would have expected it from.  I am sure that I feel like it is so much because these people are not the ones that I expect to hear from, so even a tiny bit seems like a lot. But it is amazing. I have reconnected with some people that I either had lost touch with, or purposely walked away from for any number of reasons, and it has been fun to get back together.

It can be the littlest thing that has made a big difference to me, like Maurice, who I went to junior high and high school with and surely have not seen since then--we play Words with Friends on our phones and he checks on me daily.  Why?  What possible interest can he have in my situation?  But he does, and its sweet...he keeps me laughing.  Rob, our diving friend we met in Honduras, has done the same thing...even if it is because he spends his life in airports, he spends some of it thinking about me. Suzanne, an old sorority sister, came to see me in the hospital--I have not seen her since 1993. But she came!  And so did Michelle, a high school friend that I have reconnected with over the last couple of years, but who sure has her own hands full right now--she made time for me anyway.

Nancy, another sorority sister, has stayed up a few nights chatting when I had insomnia from all the drugs, and keeps me laughing the whole time. Nena is always ready to hurt herself so I dont feel like the only mess around. Frank, who rode the junior high bus with me back in the day but would never talk to me for some reason, has been a God send listening to me spew about whatever emotional roller coaster I am on that day--he just listens and gives me a different perspective.  Even Chris T has set aside his singleminded obsession with boobs to become a real friend through all of this. He has had his own physical battles and so may be a little more understanding of my frustrations, but if he wasnt paying attention, he wouldnt know that I need to hear some of the things he tells me. Tosha sends me funnies, so I know she is thinking of me. Chris N stays up late at night, which gives me someone to play Words with Friends with in the wee hours when I cannot sleep from all the meds.

And of course, Jodi, Audra, Jim, Charlotte and Randy have visited me. Ashlyn and Eric and Julie have been permanent fixtures-Jodi is even coming for girls slumber party next weekend and I cannot wait. My Aunt Jana has helped me a lot, which is pretty damn funny with her dragging her oxygen and Miller Genuine Draft with her. Other random folk have popped up with a sweet text or email, and it is amazing what it can do for my mood when I am in need of a boost but can't ask for it.

So thank you to all those people who have no reason to give a shit what is going on with me, but act like you do anyway. It has meant more than you can ever know...way more than I ever thought it would. And it has served as a huge reminder just how easy it is to make a big difference to someone, you never know when they are barely hanging on and need just exactly the attention you can give them with a text or email or little bit of affection.