Saturday, April 20, 2013

Oprah's thoughts on men--an honest analysis of whether I am doing right. Are you?


This is what Oprah has to say about men-- I am going to try to honestly assess whether I do these things now (if they apply), or if I did them in the past


1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. I absolutely have done this---now I am trying hard to be understanding but not make excuses for what men do
3. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Abso-freaking-lutely I did this last time.  Obviously, considering the history of this current relationship--it could not go much slower. Its the strangest change for me, but that is the natural course it has taken
4. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.  I did this too--never even questioned what I wanted, just tried to be what the man I wanted wanted me to do.  No more, thank you.  Now I go along with the program, but if its truly something I do not want, I do not do it. Rarely comes up though.
5. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle.  I have always been friends with exes--but I also have rarely been mistreated by one.  This latest ex made damn sure that I could not be friends with him, because his way of functioning is controlling and that is what he wanted,  To get his way, he made damn sure to slash and burn his way out so I would not want to be friends.  He succeeded---I want nothing to do with him
6. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.  I am not sure what being strung along feels like--I can only think of one time that I felt like I was.  Turns out I was right, but that does not mean I would recognize it if it were a little less extreme.  And ultimately --I cut the big stringer loose for that very reason.  Interestingly, we are now very good friends. Huh.  I do know now though, since becoming his friend, that he was never the man for me--things are so much more clear when you are not clouded by new romance ideas.
7. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.  Hell yes, I did this.  And I am mad at myself.  Not again, thanks
8. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. I have always known this, but it does not stop me from trying to get through to the man so he understands what I am saying.  I have to learn that if he does not understand me, it is because he does not want to understand me and I sure cannot change that!
9. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? This has never been an issue for me, but I always have had a rule that if he talks shit about the mother of his children--RUN.  I did not listen to that last time.  I will should it even come up again.
10. Always have your own set of friends separate from his. I have always done this, but usually try to incorporate him into my friendships.  I am not sure that is a smart thing.  Insisting on separate activities is going to be a priority for me from now on, because I made the mistake last time of giving those up and it bit me in the ass.  This round, we include each other in each others' circles, but also do things separately.
11. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.  I have to learn to do this before whatever the thing is eats me alive.  And I have to learn that mentioning it once is ENOUGH--do not harp.
12. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. Oh hell yes, I totally made that mistake!  Not again, although it does against my nature of being totally open.  I am trying to be more discriminating about what info I share
13. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. I have always known this--and trying to change someone else just ends up in resentment and frustration. 
14. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has more education or in a better job. Being subservient is not my best thing, but I have definitely made the mistake of acting like what he wants is the only thing that matters.  Then I am pissed when he acts like that.  I have to stop that.  Being flexible and supportive is one thing--that I can do.  Making him and his wishes the only thing that matters--not gonna do it.
15. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Hell yes
16. Never borrow someone else’s man. Never have,  never will
17. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. If I learned ANYTHING from this last fiasco, it is this.  I take responsibility for letting things get as bad as they did.  I learned a huge lesson and that wont happen again
18. All men are NOT dogs. I know this deep in my heart, but from the last go round, not to mention the number of married men and other wrong doers that chase me around, it is hard to remember it!  But I cannot hold this man responsible for the acts of the ones that came before, and I have to keep that in mind--they are different people
19. You should not be the one doing all the bending. Compromise is two way street.  I have done this before, whether the man realized that was happening or not.  I know it did.  Now, we compromise all the time.  We have never had a major issue (well besides the obvious one of the year or so we had an intervening relationships) so who knows what will happen when we do, but I have high hopes that our habits of being fair with each other will carry through to the big stuff
20. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.  I have screwed this up.  For sure.  Uh oh
21. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary not supplementary.  I think its hard to know if you are doing this WHEN you are doing it---it takes some distance to see it.  I feel like this time we are very complementary to each other--we both bring an awful lot to the table, and are pretty evenly matched in skills, experiences, etc.  I hope that helps
22. Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.  And then he gets demanding.  We limit our time together now instead of being up each other's butts full time like I used to do with old relationships.  I am missing him tonight for example, while he is doing other stuff--but it is my choice to be at home, instead of out with my friends.  Hope he is missing me too
23. Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man. Well that will not happen ever,  because from now on, I will consider a lack of financial health or experience to be a huge red flag I will not ignore...no matter his explanation.
24. You should know that you’re the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he’ll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he’s not the only one. They’re all watching you and you want more .. so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. One thing I learned after my divorce is there are a whole lot of men out there and I have plenty to choose from....there are 20 more just like the one giving you grief, just waiting their turn. That is reassuring, and hopefully will keep me from ever settling for the one I have because he is the one I have,
25. Ladies take care of your own hearts. Share this with other women (just so they know) You’ll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare. Hope I did.

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