Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Gym Freaks

Since I spend so much time at the gym lately--for the last year or so--I have noticed that the freaks there fall in to several categories.

Most of them really irritate the piss out of me.

The main irritating category for me is the Beau Hunks. These are the men--mostly past their prime--who come to the gym all the time, and then spend most of it primping in the mirror. They quite often do not have any hair anywhere on their bodies--it is kind of creepy. They are shiny sometimes. They do a set on a machine. Then lay there a while, then get up and preen in front of the mirror like a peacock. Then they get back on the machine and rest a while before doing another set. They mostly piss me off because inevitably, they get on a machine that I am using with the Beast as part of our session. Since they do not use it and move on to another, they make us change our workout. Pisses me off. They are clearly more interested in looking at themselves than working out, yet they screw up my system.

Another category are the loud ones. These are related to the Beau Hunks, but instead of looking at themselves all the time, they are grunters and face makers. They try to lift too much weight, and end up bellowing and grunting and making horrid faces that make them look like they are in labor. Evidently they think this is required. After the grunting, they will pace around their machine, throwing it looks like "Who's your daddy now?" You cannot help but watch them, because you know one of these days they will separate something or do serious damage from all that carrying on and I do not want to miss that.

Sometimes these fools will wear a weight belt. The Beast and I call them "Belt Wearers". There is one at our gym who wears a belt with some knit shorts, and his tall socks pulled up, with a tank top. All he is missing is a damn headband. He looks like a roller skater and he has to be more than fifty. It is not a good look for him. He is also a route-interrupter like the BeauHunks. One day I staed on the leg press machine until I had lifted 100 pounds more than normal because he was circling it like a vulture and I would be damned if I would give my machine up to a Belt Wearer.

The next group are the Dirty Flirts. These are grunters and beau hunks that think any poor girl in the joint is fair game. For some reason, we have a good number of really hot chicks at our gym--serious athletes who treat their workouts like their job. Most of them have a passel of fools who follow them around like dogs with their tongues hanging out. It is kind of funny, but when they get in a big group, they crowd up the place. They talk to the girls like they are best friends, and offer to spot them. Someday they will realize how stupid they look- but only if someone writes it on the mirrors they are usually starting at.

The next batch is the Has-Beens. I feel bad talking about this bunch, because I am one and I know how it feels. But mother of God, Fat Boy, if you insist of sweating like that in public, the least you can do it wear a shirt that does not have a rip in it so your belly hair sticks out of it. Please Jesus, get a shirt. One with sleeves preferrably. Tank tops for men are rarely a good idea, and just because you wear a sleeveless "muscle shirt", your rolls dont transform into muscle any more than mine do. This is the dude who needs to look in the damn mirror.

The last group are the Over Dressers. These are usually fairly young guys--that is about right--the only ones that I would not mind showing up scantily clad are wearing three layers and a skull cap and a hoodie. What is that about? It is hot up in there, why do they wear so many clothes? It is like a pack of young Unabombers--and they travel in packs too. Surely they know that sweating it off does not really help--the first beer puts it back on, so why do they wear so many clothes? I will never understand this one.

Do all gyms have these groups? Or am I just the lucky one?

11 comments:

Holly said...

Would not know, I don't do excercize or gyms! As I told Jenn one day....do I LOOK like I go to a gym?????

3 Men and a Lady said...

The overdressers may be wrestlers. There were guys who dressed like that when I was in high school and they would run laps like all day on meet days, all the while being totally overdressed to sweat off weight.

I haven't been to a gym in a long time, but one group I HATED was the prissy bitches who wore tons of makeup and perfume, had their hair all perfect and special clothes just to work out. Dumb.

City girl turned Country Girl said...

OMGosh!! You are a hoot!! And I am seriously glad I am not there looking at some of those as the mind visuals are bad enough LOL!!

Anonymous said...

No comment-----but it figures!

Why is it when you pass a person jogging---he/she look like they are in pain from the workout!!!

Ugh! Carol

Michelle said...

Nope, you pretty much nailed it! I think that's why I quit going - I began to worry more about all the distractions than about my own workout. Quickly became not fun! I do miss going though....maybe one of these days I'll get back to it.

Linda said...

OMG! Yes, they are at every gym. And you nailed it too. I just wish the sweaty guys (&girls) would wipe down the machine after they use it. Eww!

Anonymous said...

lAUGH OUT LOUD HILLARIOUS! I know exactly what you are talking about! I use to work out with the Beast too and I can picture every group you are talking about as I read your blog! Too funny!

Reddunappy said...

LOL you cracked me up! Great descriptions! LOL

Amy said...

Yep - standard gym folk - you nailed it!

The Wife said...

ROTFL!! Yes, they are out there, EVERYWHERE! I absolutely despise the grunters. Oh, and the guys that think they need to tell you how to do your weight lifting. That's why I always wear my earphones when I'm lifting. Just act like I don't hear them.

Elisa said...

So funny! I think I just woke the kids with my laughing. They all live here in Round Rock too. I'd like to add the totally egocentric who walk into a crowded gym and turn off the fans and change the tv channels. Wear a jacket buddy - people are trying to exercise without getting heatstroke!

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