Who am I?

It occurs to me that I have about three different personalities. Well not really personalities--but different sections of my lives. Is everyone like that?

I used to think, way back in the day, that if I could get settled in my career, everything would be swell. I have been doing my job now for eleven years, and while I love the work, I do not love the situations going on in my office. I WANT to do what I am doing, I think it is vitally important, but not many people are cut out to do it. That adds a little feeling obligation to the whole thing as well. I am angry that I may be so miserable that I have to consider finding something else to do. It also scares me to death.

I also used to think of myself first and foremost as a lawyer. If you asked me who I am or what I do, that would probably be the first word out of my mouth. That is not true any more though.

I think that is probably a good thing. A job should not be your whole life, even if it is a job like mine.

Then I have my next section of my life--the horses. This is what I truly love and if it were up to me, and I won the lottery, I would put into effect the plans I make up in the middle of the nite when I cannot sleep.

But even at the level we are now with the horses we have raised and are raising, I still love it. I am so glad to be back to the type of breeding we have done this year, because I missed the adrenaline rush of having a real prospect born in my barn and seeing them grow up. On the other side, I feel a little more ownership in the Slybabies, and that they are doing so amazingly well for us and all their owners gives me a great sense of pride. I just wish it was easier to get people to try them.

Then there is the third part of me---the just plain Paige. I do not really think I am that plain though-- I am volatile, and loud-mouthed, and opinionated, and I fight for the underdog, and I like to take naps, and watch TV all through the nite, and I love to read--I love to plan vacations and go on them. I like getting caught up in a new hobby, like photography, or scuba diving, or who knows what it will be next. I like happy hour and theater productions, and college basketball, and Big 10 football games before it gets cold. I love my dogs like they are people. I don't want kids, for about 40 reasons, but I may give in on that one. I believe in doing the fun stuff today, as there may not be tomorrow.

There are a lot of parts of me that I do not like --I do not like it that I am so sensitive to perceived slights, like I have some huge chalkboard in my head where it is all mapped out how I am getting screwed. I have some absurd chip on my shoulder, that I am not noticed, or looked over all the time---I can cite to you so many instances where I swear the whole world forgets I even exist. And why do I do that? What is the matter with me that I cannot get around those situations? Even when people do notice me, I feel so misunderstood. I sound like a bad sitcom.

I am stuck in the past, I think. How can that be when my present is so full? I even still dress like I am in college, just lots bigger sizes. And that is another thing--not being able to get a grip on my eating is a source of great shame to me---and Jenna pointed out to me that I talk about being fat on this blog more than I ever do in real life. I did not realize that. That is interesting as well. What is that about, you think?

There are good things about me, I think. I am fun pretty much. I think. I have some really good friends. While I am mostly bitching full-time, I really do have some pretty decent perspective. Then again, that leads to one of my worst attributes--my lack of tolerance for people who constantly complain but never DO anything about their situation. I also have no tolerance for people who make excuses. And evidently, I cannot stay on point either.


Anyway, what is that all about, that I am being so introspective? I think my fever is making me goofy. At least that is what I will blame it on, but really I am not that sick any more. Sick enough to miss an outing that I really wanted to do tonight. All I had the energy for was to go outside and take pics in the front yard, but even that only lasted a few minutes, as it got dark on me.

Sly makes me happy. He is hard to take pics of from inside the pasture as he wants to be with me all the time. Tonight, he put his head on my shoulder and hugged me up really tight. I have no idea why, but it was nice. I have to change something in my life so that I can spend more time enjoying what is right under my nose.