Monday, August 25, 2008

A failure of confidence


He does not look that miserable on here does he? This was Saturday, the first day of his rehab. I missed the early on drama, and just caught up to him when he was happily trotting around in a circle like a big boy.As you know by now, on Sunday, he acted a damn fool.

Tonight, I decided to give him a break from the walker and trot him myself. I picked up a new pad from Hutch so he would not be ouchy from the saddle, and Barry and I did his massages and stretches. Twist enjoyed himself. We saddled him up and up I went. I tried to be very cognizant of grabbing mane instead of the saddle as I mounted.

Then the strangest thing happened. I PANICKED. Straight up panicked. Like a big weiner. I was so afraid of hurting him, I was almost paralyzed. I was moseying around in the yard, worried about everything--like what would happen if the pig ran out in front of us? Nothing, Twist could not care less about such things. What if I smooshed his withers for some reason? Would be pitch my fat ass off? Probably not. At least not at first. What if I ---what? what was I afraid of?

It was horrible. I asked Barry to ride him. He refused. Great, just what I needed. So I had no choice but to do it. Twist is famously lazy (or has he just been afraid to hurt all this time? I dont know), so I was afraid to really push him hard, but walking around is not going to help him build up his back. I was afraid to wack him with the rein which is what is usually takes to get him moving--why? I have been wacking him with the end of the rein for 7 years and never has it been a problem

I do not know what is wrong with me. If anything, Twister feels better now than he has in years. I just KNOW that he hurts now, so I am tentative. So what am I scared of? I think it is the reaction I saw from him when he was having his treatment that has gotten me so shaken.

I got a little better and we trotted and I did realize exactly what Troy said I would do--I saw the difference between Twist hurting and Twist being a pecker head. Twist knows I am a pushover. That made me madder and madder as this went on, especially because I kept asking Barry to ride him to make him do right and he kept refusing. I needed to be any madder, right? I was so angry at myself for being scared, mad at Barry for not wanting to help me, mad at Twister for needing something I am having to push myself to give (because I am a weiner).

It just sucked.

I really should give him tomorrow off. Barry will be out of town, and for the first time ever, I am a little afraid to ride Twister without supervision. I also have a board meeting, so will I have time? He has had 3 days straight of light work, while being out of any work at all for a long time, so maybe a day off is in order. Maybe I am making excuses.

This sucks

6 comments:

Holly said...

no you are not making excuses. Fear is fear. You are certainly sympathetic to Boogie being scared, why are you so hard on yourself for being scared?

Slow down.

Get a mounting block.

Define where scared starts.

Can you....

get on? without a panic attack

get off? without a panic attack

walk 5 steps? without a panic attack

walk 10 steps? without a panic attack

if you can get on and off without a problem, do that. If you cannot, get on, count to 5, get off and be done. If you can walk 5 steps (and COUNT them), do that, if 10 steps freaks you out, DON'T do 10, do 7.

You would never push a horse that was so frightened, be as nice to yourself.

Been there, done that.

Paige said...

Because I am being a p%*&. I know how to ride a horse for God's sake, and if there is one I know, it is Twist O Clark. I have been riding him for 10 years

It was not that bad that I could not do it.

I just got worried that I would hurt him by trotting at all. Or that I would try to kick him up to his trot and he would blow up like he did when Troy was working on him.

This cannot be about me. Twist has to have this rehab program. It HAS to be done. I am the only one to do it.

I know I have to use spurs on him and I just have to do it. He is so deadsided that I know he needs them, I just do not trust my legs not to be gouging him incidentally--one of the down sides to having really short legs.

I do have a mounting block and it will be out today. Thanks for the reminder.

Holly said...

I am sure you do know how to ride a horse. That is not what this is about. It is about being worried for whatever reason you are. If you are worried about Sir Twist, so be it, you are still worried. When you are worried you do not relax and when you do not relax your legs are tense.

Being worried he would blow is a legitimate concern sister. We simply do not bounce well. My first suggestion would be to make the horse more sensitive to the cue that asks him to move forward at a faster gait. That would be to ask as gently as you can to get the response you want and then praise praise praise.

Paige said...

I was telling ME that I know how to ride a horse, not you.

There are worse things than being pitched-- I am quite accomplished at it. Besides, Twist has not pitched me in probably 6 years. I think.

I just have to chill is what I have to do.

Rita is going to come out and ride him for me as well---that will make me feel so stupid that I will suck it up and just DO IT!

Lorna said...

It's not about being pitched - it's the fear of hurting him and your soft-heartedness towards him -
I'm guessing you have some guilt in there somewhere that all this time you've done "wrong" by him and have hurt him more -

I know. I have those thoughts with Jessie.

Don't beat yourself up. You have done very right by him and are still doing very right by him. He'll be better soon.

Paige said...

Exactly. I know Twist wont hurt me to be a dick, so if it happens, it isbecause I hurt him and I have so much guilt already

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