What he said

Everyone knows that my dad makes me batshit insane. If you do not know that, you are not paying attention. And if you have never met him, you cannot possibly even imagine how maddening he is. Those same things are what make him funny too. It does not make sense. I love him, but mostly I want to choke him out because he lives in his own world where they have no social conventions recognizable in this one

His major quirk is that he remembers nothing about people in his life, but can tell you how much money he made on a set of tires he sold in 1974, to some dude he never saw again, but he knows how many miles were on his car, and how much the car cost. And also what county that dude's family lived in during the 1900 census, and how that somehow relates to dad in some way. Now whether any of those things are accurate, I am starting to wonder. But he believes it. And talks about it a lot

He has three phrases that he uses intermittently, whether they are appropo or not

1: I cannot see
2: My fingers are too big
3: My legs lock up on me
and a new player, which is related to 1--I have lost my depth perception.

Keep these in mind throughout any stories about dad, and you will start to notice how he puts the wrong excuse in with the wrong situation--kind of like those lotto machines that suck up the balls to give you the lotto number, you never know which one he will use

At dinner the other nite, he shows up wearing his coat. That is all right, it is pretty cold. But then he sat down in it and sat there long enough, I had to ask him if he was all right or was he going to wear that all nite. They are not skimpy on the heat at the Pasta House, so I really was sure he needed to take that off. (ask me why I care--I dont know, and really, if he wants to look like the Sta Puf Marshmallow man while he eats, what business is it of mine?)

Then we had our menus, and he says he cannot see the menu (note, this is one of his standard phrase) because "the light is bad". No it was not, I could have done surgery in there (I do not mention this, cuz I am trying to behave) So he slaps the menu down. Mom later asks him what he is going to have--he says he cannot read the menu. "So you are not eating?" she says. How she has kept from clubbing him to death after being married 41 years, I have no idea. I am sure she wanted to help him with it, and that was the point of the convo--what does she care what he was going to eat. I am sure it is a little embarrassing that he cannot see anymore, so she was making an effort to help him. He of course does not see that part (cuz his fingers are too big--ha ha) He tells us he will ask the waitress what they have. Really, is there a tip big enough in the world to be that big of a pain in the ass? Barry tells him the special of the day is all you can eat pasta. Well dad does not like Pasta, he says. Except spaghetti, which he says is not really pasta? I bet his legs locked up to lead him to that conclusion. Then why in hell are we at the Pasta House, I am wondering--they chose it. This gets us on the topic of sausage and why he does not wear his glasses if he cannot see.

The actual ordering was consistent with this--Barry acts like he has never been there in his life and does not know what he wants, even after even dad who does not like pasta has ordered some sausage and mom has said "what?" What did you say" in her "takes a tone with servers tone" repeatedly. While he is thinking and trying to order, Dad starts in about how is Bocephus the pig--which makes mom smack him and tell him to hush while Barry is ordering. Well by God he is not talking to Barry, he is talking to me. This poor waitress. By now, we have been here about 10 minutes and I can tell I am not going to make it much longer. I tell him that I will discuss Bocephus with him after Barry orders. Why am I the bad guy here?

We get ordered, the waitress is surely crying by then. I ask when they are going to Houston for Xmas, as I know they are driving. Mom says the 22nd and they will stay until we leave on the 28th so they can drive us to the airport. I am sure that is not necessary but we discussed it in detail. Dad wants to talk about highways, which is one of his very favorite things, as long as it is not the "superslab", but I know where that will get us, so I get that discussion moved before we start talking about the counties in Arkansas where he had people when the buffalo were still roaming. For several minutes we discuss the plan that they will do their xmas shopping down there, but we cannot because we get there on Xmas eve, so they will drive our gifts. He thinks they will get good deals after Xmas--when did that option come up? Finally he wants to know if they have to drive us to the airport in St Louis- and he seems confused (it was probably his depth perception). Dad confused is not uncommon as you can imagine. Mom asks him how they can drive us to the airport if they are already there and now he is really confused---where are we going? I am starting to think this circulation thing of his is getting out of hand, he is clearly getting no oxygen to his brain--no wonder he wears a coat all the time

About this time, I tell them what I need for Xmas is a little recorder because no one will believe the shit he does unless I can blog it more reliably and he is so chock full or goofiness that I will not be able to remember at all. Barry tells me to be nice. This is nice. He should know that by now.

This brings us to the "You know what you need" section of the meal. Every meeting with dad gives us these sorts of suggestions.

1: a $1700 air compressor to replace the 50 dollar one we bought at an auction that quit running. (why? because that is what his cost in 1984 when he opened his car repair place and that son ofa gun compressed some air)

2: a Garmin GPS (why? because he likes going places even if he cannot see and has no depth perception and should not be driving, I bet that is why) And besides, Barry has a TomTom who is very bossy, we sure do not need two of these nags in our cars. And I know where I am going, thank you very much, being equipped with both a memory and working eyeballs

3. uh oh , I am drawing a blank ......believe me, it is good. This is why I need a new recorder thingy for my purse.

And now I have to leave to get the farrier to do feet, so this post will have to be amended later.

Stay tuned for more Dennis antics-he really is funny