A commentary on my life's work

A friend sent me this, and although I had seen it before, I laughed so hard I had to put it on here. I have actually said some of these things and thought EVERY single one of them. I could not help but throw in a few comments of my own.

Letter from A Public Defender

First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. (I really do mean this) I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

YOU ARE NOT CHARMING ENOUGH TO TALK YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE F%&* UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There's just no need to babble on like it's a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

DRESS FOR SUCCESS

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you're charged with a DUI, don't wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the "UniBonger" on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up. Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand next to you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on me while you speak andfurther transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

FACTS ARE FACTS

I'm a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won't find a loophole or technicality for you, so don't be pissed off at me. I didn't beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don't be too surprised by your limited options and that I'm the one telling you about them.

HOW NOT TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

Don't think you'll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I'm not doing anything for you (because that is why I got out of bed today, just to screw you over ) , calling me a public pretender (one of my very favorite that happens a lot; another good one is the request for a Bar Association attorney---hey dude, guess what? the Bar Association is a CLUB. Like the Moose) or complaining to my supervisor (he has done this longer than me, so you are not going to surprise him with the creativity of your complaints either. Plus, you just wasted an hour of my time showing him how you are nuts and I am not. What do you think that does for the time frame to get your case handled?) This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less. It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet. It does not make me call you back, guaranteed. And the clock starts ticking all over again, every time you leave the same message


For the guys: Don't think I'm amused when you flirt or offer to"do me." (this too happens a lot, I get a lot of romantic offers, that usually include the phrases "on the down low" or "the QT") You can't successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. (I really do) I'm not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you'd stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren't allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours. But at least you are buying me some job security with that behavior.
For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right - neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don't leave your wallet (or have a list in your house that says that says "Thursday's list: buy Pampers, rob store-- that actually happened too; or put your mask on AFTER you get to the front of the line). When you drive into the front of the bank, don't leave the front license plate (or use your own deposit slip to write the note to "give me all your money"). When you rape/assault/ rob a woman on the street, don't leave behind your cell phone (or a t-shirt with your name written inside of it like your mom used to do with your clothes when you went to camp--had a client who did that dunderhead move once). After you abuse your girlfriend, don't leave a note saying that you're sorry.
If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket- dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.
Don't be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That's not harassment, that's good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You're out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed,twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

THINGS THAT ARE NOT DEFENSES, NO MATTER HIOW YOU SPIN IT

These do not in fact work, so don't waste your breath.

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.
"All the money is gone now." Not a defense
"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense (even if it is true).
"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.
"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.
"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

THE HIGH POINTS

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase. (NOW THAT IS FUNNY-- what COLA increase?)
For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night (you know who you are): I sleep just fine,thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all. What are you doing to help?